During my last corporate job I was asked to present engagement data for an initiative I was leading at a managers’ meeting.
The data showed that participation on the initiative portal was dropping, and my challenge in that moment was to make a case for improving participation to a room of managers whose priorities would guide behavior of my target audience.
One manager whom I’ll call Irv announced, in front of everyone, that he didn’t “give a f–” whether people were logging in.
It startled me, and I could feel my shoulders trembling… but I didn’t stop. Unfortunately I’d seen this kind of behavior from Irv before. So, I pivoted. I raised a point, that Irv’s boss had asked about how we would measure what people were actually doing on the platform.
Irv said, “I haven’t given it much thought.” (“Damn,” I thought. “He’s got nerve, admitting that in front of everyone.”)
In the silence of the room, I decided to set that project aside and raised a different project. “Two other managers have requested training in the software all our employees use…”
“Leave that alone,” Irv said. I glanced at my boss, Irv’s peer, wondering if there’d been a body-snatching when I wasn’t looking.
Three attempts. Three dismissals from Irv, no pushback against him from anyone else.
I left the meeting feeling highly agitated and spent the evening trying to work out what I actually wanted from that team. When I finally got there, the answer was simple: I wanted to be relevant, responsive, and trusted. I’d thought I was when I walked in, but I left feeling pretty uncertain.
Later I looked at this event through the lens of one of my favorite tools, the SCARF Model by David Rock, introduced in Your Brain at Work in 2008. The core argument is neurological: your brain processes social threats through the same circuitry it uses for physical danger. Five domains trigger that response:
- Status: your sense of where you stand relative to others.
- Certainty: your ability to predict what’s coming next.
- Autonomy: your sense of control over your own decisions.
- Relatedness: your felt sense of safety and connection with the people around you.
- Fairness: your assessment of whether you’re being treated equitably.
(See how those five initial words spell out SCARF?)
When I looked at that meeting through this lens, the picture got clearer.
Irv had violated three domains in about twenty minutes. Status took the first hit when he dismissed the data publicly, in front of the peers I was trying to build credibility with. Autonomy went next: I kept finding another entry point, another way to be useful, and he kept closing the door. By the time he told me to leave the training alone, Fairness was gone too. I’d been invited to bring these things to the team. He was treating the invitation like a nuisance.
I didn’t know until later that I wasn’t the only one reading the room that way. The next day, my boss told me I’d shown up well. She was impressed at how I’d stayed calm and handled it thoughtfully. Months later, a manager who’d been in the room told my boss to tell me they’d called the meeting “brutal” and said Irv seemed to have a “weird problem” with me specifically.
That corroboration did something I hadn’t expected. My Certainty increased (I hadn’t misread the situation) and so did my Relatedness (I wasn’t alone in what I’d experienced). Two domains repaired what three had damaged.
The SCARF model is most useful when something feels bad and you can’t quite name why. Most of us don’t catalog social threats in real time. We just notice a meeting felt off, or a relationship has cooled, or we’re dreading a conversation we can’t fully explain. SCARF gives you a place to start looking.
A simple self-assessment.
Rate yourself 1 to 10 on each statement, where 1 is “rarely” and 10 is “consistently.”
Status
I feel recognized for my contributions.
I acknowledge others’ accomplishments specifically, not generically.
I can receive corrective feedback without going into defense mode.
Certainty
I ask for clarity when the path forward isn’t obvious.
I communicate expectations before people have to ask.
I stay functional when plans change unexpectedly.
Autonomy
I have meaningful control over decisions that affect my work.
I give others real decision-making authority, not just the appearance of it.
When my autonomy is constrained, I adapt without shutting down.
Relatedness
I feel a genuine sense of belonging with the people I work with.
I build trust actively, not just when something goes wrong.
I notice when someone’s being left out and do something about it.
Fairness
I feel treated equitably in my professional relationships.
My decisions are transparent enough that others can see the reasoning.
I name perceived unfairness instead of letting it fester.
Which SCARF domain feels most resonant for you right now?
If you’re in a situation that’s felt persistently hard, is there a threatened domain underneath it?
