When Janine, a client of mine, received only criticism and no actionable direction, she described how demoralizing it felt to “guess” at what her manager wanted. Despite frustration, she began leveraging mentors and partners to challenge her work and validate its quality. This external network gave her enough confidence to keep trying, even in the face of internal resistance.
This is a classic “Truth Trigger” crash: the feedback felt unhelpful and unfair, leading to frustration. It’s a perfect example of why receiving feedback is one of the most difficult skills for any professional to master. Feedback can be a powerful tool for growth or a major source of frustration. Whether it comes from a manager, a colleague, or a direct report, it often stirs up strong emotions and challenges our self-perception.
The good news is that with the right mindset and tools, we can transform feedback from something we dread into a valuable opportunity for learning and connection.
In their book Thanks for the Feedback, Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen identify three core triggers that make receiving feedback so difficult. Understanding them is the first step to managing them:
- Truth Triggers: These are set off by the substance of the feedback itself. The feedback seems wrong, inaccurate, or unfair, so we reject it.
- Relationship Triggers: These are set off by the person giving the feedback. Our reaction is shaped by our history with them (or our opinion of their credibility), and we dismiss the message because of the messenger.
- Identity Triggers: These are set off by the feedback’s impact on our sense of self. The feedback threatens our self-worth or competence, making us feel overwhelmed, ashamed, or “destroyed.”
This checklist helps you approach feedback with curiosity and resilience, giving you practical steps to manage these triggers and turn feedback into a tool for growth.
✅ Checklist 1: Preparing to Receive Feedback
- Clarify the Type of Feedback: Are you expecting evaluation (measuring performance), coaching (advice for improvement), or appreciation (recognizing effort)?
- Identify Your Feedback Triggers: Which of the three triggers (Truth, Relationship, Identity) is most likely to get activated for you in this conversation?
- Shift to a Growth Mindset: How can you prepare to listen with curiosity instead of defensiveness?
- Clarify Your Learning Goals: What are you hoping to learn from this feedback?
Amy’s Take: For leaders, preparation is about managing your own presence. Your team is watching. If you receive feedback with defensiveness, you signal that feedback isn’t really welcome. If you receive it with curiosity, you build psychological safety and model that growth is the goal, not perfection.
✅ Checklist 2: Reflecting After Receiving Feedback
- Check for Defensive Reactions: Did you notice any immediate defensive thoughts or feelings? Were you able to manage those reactions and stay engaged?
- Separate the Message from the Messenger: Can you evaluate the feedback itself, even if you have a difficult relationship with the giver?
- Identify Useful Insights: What part of the feedback was actionable and helpful? Even if you disagreed with 90% of it, is there a valuable 10% you can take away?
- Check for Patterns: Have you received similar feedback from different people over time? (A feedback journal is excellent for this).
Amy’s Take: This reflection stage is where you combat your inner critic. When feedback stings, it’s often because it validates our innermost fears about ourselves. Separating the data from the drama is a critical skill for avoiding leadership burnout and making clear, non-reactive decisions.
✅ Checklist 3: Following Up After Feedback
- Seek Clarification if Needed: Do you fully understand the feedback? Ask follow-up questions to get specific, actionable examples.
- Acknowledge the Feedback: Thank the person for their time and insights, even if it was hard to hear.
- Take Action on the Feedback: What specific, small changes can you make?
- Ask for Follow-Up Feedback: Create an ongoing dialogue by inviting the person to check in again. Ask, “I’m working on [the issue]. Have you noticed a difference?”
Amy’s Take: Following up is where accountability becomes empathetic. When you circle back, you show the person you took their contribution seriously. This single loop-closing action is one of the most powerful ways to build trust and create a culture where people want to offer valuable feedback.
The way we receive feedback shapes how much we grow. By recognizing your patterns and learning to manage your reactions, you can transform feedback from something you dread into a tool for lifelong learning. This skill is the foundation of empathetic accountability. When leaders model how to receive feedback well, they create the psychological safety for their teams to be honest, take risks, and grow.
Keep using this checklist to track your progress and build your feedback resilience over time. And if you’d like to dive deeper into how to make the most of feedback, I highly recommend reading Thanks for the Feedback by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen. It’s packed with insights that will help you navigate the emotional and practical challenges of receiving feedback well.
