Do you need to have THAT TALK with a member of your team?
You have a team member who seems to be acting out of self-interest rather than supporting the goals of the team. There are alternatives to putting the foot down or insisting, “If you don’t start doing what you’re supposed to be doing, there will be consequences!”
If someone’s behavior has been outright “surprising,” it makes sense you’re reacting to that. You may feel uncomfortable or stressed, or worried about what will happen if they keep going in this direction.
Many of the clients who come to me with this kind of concern are actually frustrated that, given the same reality, the same facts, the same obvious solutions — why wouldn’t that employee simply do the right and obvious thing?
But then the manager realizes that the employee may not be able to see and understand things the way the manager can.
What comes across to you as self-interested behavior may actually be their best, given what they understand about the situation and the experience they’ve had up until now. With greater clarity, most team members are willing to change their behavior to meet expectations.
Three primary questions for you to discuss with your employee
These three questions will help you to create clarity with your team member. Review them in advance — they aren’t designed for you to ask them directly. Come up with questions to ask them that will help you get at the root cause of what you’ve been observing so you can wind up with the answers to these three questions.
First, is the employee fully capable of accomplishing the task or goal? Do you know for sure that they have the knowledge, skills, and abilities required?
Second, is there a barrier that is preventing them from accomplishing the task or goal? Do they clearly understand the outcome you want them to produce? If they are unclear, or simply short on supplies, if their time is being hijacked by another manager’s project, or if their environment is creating impediments to progress, then you need to talk with them about what’s getting in the way and how to remove it. They may need literal physical or managerial help from you.
Finally, do they object to the action itself? Perhaps they are resisting taking action due to fear, moral or ethical concerns. Perhaps they anticipate that taking action will actually cause them to lose something more important to them. (Note that they can have these concerns even if you believe that there’s absolutely nothing objectionable in the action, because almost nobody sees things exactly the way you do, and certainly you and your employee are not looking at this situation in the same way.)
Be cautious that you don’t assume their resistance is due to willfulness or laziness.
Effectively managing the member of your team who resists taking action means putting on a different hat. Leaders often think of a problem of will as being obvious, and the behavior will change if the employee understands the consequences. However, rather than talking about consequences you might need to:
- Listen to their concerns (to find out if it’s really a “will” problem or if they might actually lack the skill or be experiencing a barrier)
- Clarify their goals or the role they are playing in the situation
- Provide perspective (if their previous experience doesn’t help them to understand how they could comply with your wishes)
- Explain the reasons why. A problem with will might just come from their limited understanding of the purpose of the action you’ve requested.
- Engage them in making choices about the situation. Autonomy is one of the most motivating tools any leader can use to support their employees.
- Offer alternatives or advice
- Provide more direction
- Provide positive feedback (here’s what you did well… here’s an idea for getting even closer to the target)
- Provide reassurance and encouragement (particularly important if the team member might just be insecure about taking their next steps.)
- Give them room to stretch and prove themselves
- Offer reminders about times when they’ve done well
Even if consequences are looming, be positive.
If you do need to talk about consequences because their behavior is problematic, you still have the opportunity to approach consequences in a positive way instead of threatening punishment.
It is far more effective to state consequences as a natural occurrence or result of what will happen if nothing changes. Those natural consequences can be something both of you want to avoid. Try to be on their side as you describe what could result from their actions. Make it part of your personal relationship.
Here’s an example:
This is Mary, a retail-store manager, talking to her employee Bess. The words are significant, but they aren’t as important as Mary’s attitude, which is warm and genuinely caring towards Bess. Imagine that Mary has asked Bess to chat at a time when there’s nobody else around and Bess is at her most comfortable.
Hey, Bess, I’ve been noticing you getting frustrated and rolling your eyes when you’re talking with customers. I have to say I’m deeply troubled by this. Are you aware this is happening? [Mary listens to whatever response Bess offers.]
This is pretty serious behavior. You know that we pride ourselves on our excellent customer service, and I’ve been getting complaints, so I took some time to observe you in action myself.
Could I ask you a question? Have you ever had to deal with an unhappy or even disgruntled employee when you were a customer at a different store? [Mary pauses to listen.]
What was that like for you? [Mary pauses to listen, again.]
How did you feel about going back there to shop? [Mary pauses to listen some more.]
So you can see — when customers don’t feel valued, they shop elsewhere. And that really hurts us, especially when we’re competing with those big online retailers!
Here’s the deal. I have to give you a verbal warning today, and I have to document that we talked. But I’m on your side and want to help you learn your way through this. I’d really love to help you to feel better about being here so you can provide more positive customer service.
But here’s the thing. If things don’t change, I’ll have to give you a written warning, and it only goes downhill from there. I don’t want to go there, and I know you don’t either, but it’s what we’re looking at. Let’s work together to improve things, okay?
This is your opportunity to outline the consequences as a summary of what you do not wish to occur. These consequences can be a mix of natural consequences (customers feel dissatisfied) and direct actions you’ll have to take (warnings, PIPs). The journey taken to reach the consequences can be one that promotes thoughtfulness rather than defensiveness. It becomes a well-considered invitation for improvement. It was a well-considered mission for how the person can improve.
If Mary had just pulled Bess aside and said, “Look, quit rolling your eyes at the customers or you’ll be rolling out the door,” then the conversation would have been shut down fast. (And Mary would have been guilty of treating Bess the same way Bess was treating their customers!) Depending on her personality, Bess might have said nothing or been argumentative and defensive.
Come from a place of compassion.
I believe something you might find difficult to adopt:
You have to LOVE your team members to manage them well. Uncomfortable to consider, isn’t it? Most of the managers I work with will really squirm at that idea. They’re happy to try to think about that employee’s gifts or strengths, but love them??! That’s ridiculous!
Perhaps it is, but there’s a kernel of truth in it. When you consider someone a friend, someone who is a part of your own tribe, or “my people,” you have a different attitude toward them. You don’t just feel differently toward them, you actually believe different things about them, and you act differently toward them.
Impact says it all. If someone approaches you as if you are doing your best and surely meant well, their attitude enrolls you in the solution. But if they approach you as if you can’t be trusted to throw a stick properly, do you even want to listen to them? Probably not.
It makes a huge difference to have a positive conversation versus a negative one.
Consider this the next time you’re about to give someone feedback. It is so easy to tear someone down without noticing that’s what we’re doing when we are frustrated or annoyed. But if instead you focus on giving compassionate (rather than frustrated) feedback, you could help the person grow rather than making them feel they’ve been personally attacked.
When boundaries, expectations, standards, and consequences are clear and consistent, then even negative feedback can be delivered with compassion and joy.
Bottom line, addressing concerns with an employee whose actions don’t meet your standards requires a different approach than just threatening consequences. It’s important to understand the root cause of their behavior and to approach the conversation with empathy and a willingness to listen. By asking questions to gain a deeper understanding of their perspective, clarifying their role and goals, and providing positive feedback and support, leaders can effectively manage their team and foster a positive work environment. Remember, approaching the situation with a warm and caring attitude will go a long way in building trust and improving the relationship with your team members.
You can talk with me if you’re interested in exploring how coaching might support you in achieving your goals. I look forward to hearing what you have to say.
