The most successful organizations have rejected the false choice between results and kindness. They know that a culture of empathetic accountability isn’t just a “nice to have” but their single greatest competitive advantage. But finding that balance is often the hardest part of leadership. We default to one or the other: we’re either the “nice” boss who avoids tough conversations or the “tough” boss who damages morale.
Renowned author Adam Kahane calls this the core tension between Love (the drive for connection, a core part of empathy) and Power (the drive for agency and results, the core of accountability). As an MCC leadership coach, I’ve seen that holding this tension is the central work of effective management. This checklist is your practical tool for doing just that.
From the Front Lines: When Empathy Becomes a Barrier
I know this checklist is needed at a practical level because of patterns I see in my coaching practice every day.
Take the example of a new manager I worked with who found herself paralyzed, caught between her deep empathy for her team and the need to address clear underperformance. She supervised a team of college seniors who were already overworked and burnt out. One “veteran” team member consistently neglected her duties, causing a highly capable peer to pick up the slack.
The manager knew she needed to intervene, but she was terrified of becoming the “out-of-touch” leader her own boss was. This fear fueled her avoidance. She told me, “I don’t want them to hate me… I don’t want them to lose motivation.”
Her empathy, a core strength, had become a barrier. Her inaction allowed an inequitable situation to continue, slowly eroding the team’s culture and her own authority. This is the classic leadership trap. We need a system to be both kind and clear. This checklist is that system.
The Empathetic Accountability Checklist
1. Commit to the “Both/And”
Recognize that both empathy (Love) and accountability (Power) are essential.
- Did I enter this conversation ready to be both compassionate and clear, without sacrificing one for the other?
- Am I avoiding the extremes of permissive rescuing or punitive directing?
2. Set Your Dual Intentions
Align your actions with both relational and goal-oriented outcomes.
- Did I identify the specific result I need while also considering the impact on the relationship?
- Have I clearly communicated how this goal aligns with our team’s shared purpose?
3. Listen to Understand, Not to Act
Engage with generative listening to uncover new possibilities.
- Did I listen fully to understand their perspective, resisting the urge to interrupt and solve?
- Did I validate their feelings and perspective, even if I disagreed with their conclusions?
4. Pair Your Advocacy with Inquiry
Combine clear assertiveness with genuine curiosity.
- Did I express my expectations and observations clearly, respectfully, and without blame?
- Did I ask thoughtful, open-ended questions to better understand their viewpoint?
5. Frame Conflict as a Tool for Growth
Transform conflict into an opportunity for growth and trust.
- Did I address the conflict directly and empathetically, focusing on a solution rather than blame?
- Did I ensure accountability while maintaining psychological safety?
6. Shift from ‘Doer’ to Leader
Foster collaboration by empowering others and encouraging accountability.
- Am I rescuing my team by “doing” their work, or am I building capacity by delegating with clear ownership?
- Did I create a culture of shared responsibility for the team’s outcomes?
7. Reflect, Adjust, and Repeat
Continuously evaluate your leadership approach to improve outcomes.
- After the conversation, did I reflect on how I balanced empathy and accountability?
- What one adjustment can I make next time to enhance trust, clarity, and results?
How to Make This Checklist Actionable
This tool is designed for active learning, not passive reading. Here’s how to use it:
- Before a Tough Conversation: Review items 2, 4, and 5. Script your opening line to state your clear, compassionate intent.
- During Your Weekly 1:1s: Use items 3 and 6. Ask questions to understand your team’s challenges before you offer solutions. Identify one task you can delegate to shift from ‘doer’ to leader.
- After a Failed Project: Use item 7 for an after-action review. How can you adjust your balance of ‘Love’ (team safety) and ‘Power’ (clear goals) next time?
- To Build a Team Operating System: This checklist is most powerful when it becomes a shared vocabulary. Use it in our Group and Team Coaching or Transformational Workshops to build a sustainable culture of empathetic accountability.
Go Deeper with the Source
Adam Kahane’s Power and Love is a foundational text for any leader committed to rejecting the false choice between kindness and results. It provides a powerful framework for navigating complex challenges, and I highly recommend it to all my clients.
Ready to build these skills in your organization?
My work moves beyond one-off workshops to install a complete operating system for empathetic performance. If you’re ready to stop the cycle of burnout and build a culture that attracts and keeps top talent, let’s talk.
LET’S EXPLORE HOW EMPATHY CAN DRIVE PERFORMANCE
