Melissa is a hard-working leader in her organization who found herself entangled in a vicious cycle of self-criticism. She received feedback about the need to hone her listening skills and adapt her approach to be more audience-focused. Despite her efforts, she grappled with quietening her mind during conversations and presentations. Her thoughts, laden with self-criticism, would spiral into an intense negativity.
The Unseen Aspect of Leadership: Your Interior Life
There’s a common misconception that the realm of management is strictly external, composed of the tangible tasks and measurable objectives that fill our calendars and inboxes. In my work as a leadership coach, however, I’ve observed that it’s in a manager’s interior life—those private thoughts and feelings that ripple beneath the surface of our public selves—where you’ll find the keys to long-term satisfaction and success.
When Melissa first approached me, she was like many mid-career managers I’ve worked with—driven, diligent, and dreadfully hard on herself. She had received feedback about the need to refine her listening skills and shift her presentation style to a more audience-focused approach. Despite her commitment to growth, Melissa found herself unable to quiet her internal storm of self-doubt and criticism during conversations and presentations.
Her initial strategy had been to battle these negative thoughts, striving to debunk them one by one. Unfortunately, this approach only fueled her self-criticism, keeping her awake into the night and greeting her afresh each morning.
Through our coaching journey, Melissa started to understand that acceptance—not argument—was the way to break her cycle of self-criticism. She began to acknowledge her automatic thoughts without allowing them to command her attention. She practiced telling her inner critic to be quiet, and was amazed by the effectiveness of this technique.
In her words, “It’s been pretty damn glorious, if I’m being honest.”
Unlocking Effective Leadership
This newfound self-awareness didn’t just quiet her inner critic—it transformed her approach to leadership. Without the distraction of self-doubt, Melissa was able to truly hear the feedback she received and accept it with gratitude. She began to recognize micromanagement as a symptom of her fear of failure, and took steps to trust her team more deeply. As Melissa learned to manage her anxieties, she found her confidence and impact as a leader increasing.
If you’re reading this and feeling a sense of resonance with Melissa’s story, you’re not alone. So many managers struggle with an intense inner critic that breeds distraction, doubt, and anxiety. These automatic thoughts can feel insurmountable, yet they can be managed, and their hold over your professional and personal life can be loosened.
You may think your managerial skills are full of holes that you’ll never fill, no matter how hard you work. But, like Melissa, it could be that your inner critic is creating distractions, doubts, and anxieties that hinder your progress. Quieting this internal voice could pave the way for you to develop all the skills you need to be present, calm, and engaged.
Here’s the beautiful paradox: by attending to your interior life, by fostering self-acceptance and quieting your inner critic, you can unlock the leadership skills you need to be more present, calm, and engaged. If you’re interested in embarking on a similar journey of self-discovery and growth, I encourage you to reach out. Let’s explore together how you can manage your inner critic and embrace a growth mindset, just as Melissa did.
A Call to Managers: Prioritizing Emotional Well-being
To every working manager out there: remember, it’s not just about the spreadsheets and the sales targets—it’s also about you. Your thoughts, your feelings, your well-being. If you believe that having a coach could be valuable for you, let’s talk about it.
In the words of Melissa herself, breaking free from your inner critic can be “pretty damn glorious.” The process might be challenging; it might push you to face uncomfortable truths, but the rewards are immense. Self-acceptance is a journey, not a destination—and every step you take is one towards becoming the leader you aspire to be.
