I sat across from my colleague Brenda with a growing sense of discomfort. I had accepted an assignment from the boss, but I heard from my colleague an undercurrent of doubt—or so it seemed. It was so subtle that I couldn’t quite tell what was going on.
Did Brenda not believe I could do it? Nobody else was stepping forward to meet the need. Was she saying it’s better to go with nobody than with me?
All I knew for sure was that I wasn’t hearing this outright. I decided to let it go, head on home, think about it tomorrow, and be fully present with my family instead. But the next morning as I pulled into my parking spot in front of the office, a subtle agitation rumbled in my stomach.
I walked into the quiet building and set my things down in the office, distracted by my disquiet and wishing I could focus on my task list. The thoughts prickling at me wouldn’t let go.
I laid my pen down and asked myself, “Okay, what’s going on?”
Near my desk I keep a special deck of cards, acquired from the Center for Nonviolent Communication. Each card has the name of a need or value. Things like “hope,” “trust,” and “balance” show up in this deck. I frequently use these when I can’t quite put a finger on what’s bothering me.
I flipped through the cards and sorted them as I went. In the “not now” pile went cards like “freedom,” “competence,” and “creativity.” In the next pile, the “Maybe?” pile, went cards like “security,” “meaning/purpose,” and “friendship.”
I went on sorting between just these two piles until I hit one that resonated: “Acknowledgement.” That went into a new pile: “Yes.” I wanted to be acknowledged.
A little later I added another card to the Yes pile: “Appreciation.” I wanted that too — so much it hurt. Then I noticed something really interesting: I got angry.
Usually when I sort through these cards, the experience of finding the right word to put on my current needs or values results in feeling more settled, more clear. Frequently my agitation will be replaced by a sense of gratitude, or courage to act in a way that helps me meet my needs.
Typically, that is the value for me in sorting through these cards and identifying my needs. It helps me find a more straightforward and effective path toward getting those needs met.
It didn’t happen that way this time.
Instead, the voice in my head just became louder and more insistent.
Brenda should be grateful I took on this new project! She wasn’t going to step in and do anything. Why wasn’t she acknowledging that I was making a sacrifice on behalf of the team?
This narrative swept me up. It threatened to pull me under.
Slowly, I started to notice another, quieter voice saying, “Why am I getting so upset? This is a weird reaction to the card sort,” I thought. “What can I do for myself that won’t be so negative?”
This was my first time recognizing a quieter voice in my head, and it reminded me of a book I’d read just the month before, Michael Singer’s The Untethered Soul.
“You are not the voice of the mind,” he wrote. “You are the one that hears it.”
He suggests that when we’re bothered by something, we can change what we identify with. Rather than identifying with all of those thoughts and feelings, we can instead identify ourselves as “the observer” or witness of what is being experienced.
As I felt myself getting swept up in defensiveness against my coworker, I decided to try it. What would happen, I wondered? I started up a new voice in my head that said, “I am not all of these thoughts and feelings. I am the observer who is noticing that Amy is having a powerful experience.”
As I identified myself as this observer, I relaxed. I let go of the waves of negative thinking.
I realized that I could talk to myself the way I would talk to a dear friend who is feeling unacknowledged and underappreciated. I realized I could give myself compassion.
I imagined telling myself, “I’m sorry you haven’t been appreciated. That’s hard. You are still okay.” In this manner I was able to process my own needs and emotions in ways I’ve never done before.
Do you ever feel the emotional undertow of unpleasant, uncomfortable feelings? Have you tried to resist them without success? Perhaps it would help to identify yourself as the observer.
Accept that the feelings and thoughts are there, but instead of identifying with them, try identifying yourself as “the one who is noticing that this experience is flowing through.” An observer, or witness.
Bottom line, navigating emotions at work can be challenging, especially when receiving ambiguous feedback from colleagues. I was able to find clarity and compassion in the face of stress by finding my values and needs in a deck of cards, but you could use a list you find online. I also identified myself as an observer instead of getting caught up in negative thoughts and feelings.
This strategy can be a helpful tool for anyone who finds themselves in similar situations, and can help you to find a more straightforward and effective path towards meeting your needs and improving your emotional well-being at work. The key takeaway is to not ignore the negative feelings but acknowledge them, and work on them to turn them into something positive. The power of self-awareness and self-compassion can help us to achieve a more authentic, effective, and fulfilling way of being at work.
