How do you react when you receive feedback? Especially if it’s “negative” feedback? Neuroscience writer David Rock suggests that feedback can be triggering to anyone.
On the other hand, you can better understand what you are doing that is (or isn’t) working by getting feedback. If there’s something you could change so that you could get what you want instead of sabotaging your own success, wouldn’t you want to know what it was?
It’s like looking in the mirror
Receiving feedback is very similar to catching a glimpse of yourself in a reflection. From that glimpse, you get a quick sense for what your hair actually looks like, whether there’s a popcorn shell wedged into the gums of your front teeth, or your collar is askew. It gives you a chance to decide whether to keep your current look or make an adjustment.
Similarly, when others give you feedback, you are learning how you are coming across to them. It improves your awareness, which gives you choice.
Further, you can improve your self-awareness, performance, and relationships simply by engaging in a regular practice of collecting feedback. For instance:
- With greater self-awareness gained from his self-driven 360, Theo developed a strong sense of his strengths and opportunities. He learned how to drive change without losing his work-life balance. He learned how to adjust his pace depending on the needs and the opportunities of the moment. He learned how his own habits were influencing others.
- When Sam received feedback that her ability to handle complexity was stronger than her peers, she stepped forward with more self-confidence and accepted stretch assignments, which led to awards and promotions.
- When a colleague told me (in frustration), “Amy, every time I say anything to you, the first word out of your mouth is “No,” it revolutionized my relationships. That one experience motivated me to to relate to people in a new way, and I started to think before speaking and to be more curious.
Clearly, receiving feedback is a positive opportunity for growth and development, and so it is important to develop skills for receiving it as positive.
Managers and other leaders with a responsibility to give feedback can be afraid to do so, knowing that feedback can be hard to accept. Managers really aren’t looking to hurt anyone’s feelings, but sometimes people’s feelings get hurt when they receive feedback.
Ask yourself these 3 questions:
Given the importance of receiving feedback effectively, it can be helpful to consider the following questions when you are faced with unwanted or unexpected feedback.
1. How hard do you take it?
When I was younger, I hated to hear any feedback. In fact, I remember telling my boss, a kind-hearted and supportive woman, “Yes, I want you to give me feedback, but here’s the thing: More than likely I’m going to have a hard time with it. I am going to withdraw and lick my wounds–and then I will come back and use your feedback later. But it’s going to be hard for me at first. I want you to be ready for that.”
Your reaction to receiving negative feedback is likely to mirror your typical reaction to any bad news. You have an amazing constellation of patterns, brain connections and habits that make up your own uniqueness. It is important to be aware of these patterns when you receive feedback.
If you notice any extremes in that pattern (such as feeling “destroyed” or retreating to your bed for hours, that’s an important pattern to pay attention to on its own. That isn’t about feedback, itself. It’s about emotional regulation. Whenever we are learning how to take feedback more effectively, it’s important to regulate our emotions by labeling them, being kind and compassionate towards ourselves, and allowing others to offer support.
When you know your style of reacting to feedback, you will actually feel more in control. If you start displaying some of the reactions that you know are typical for you, it can be helpful just to say to yourself, “I’m just having my typical reaction. Part of this strong emotion that I’m feeling is just my style. It doesn’t mean that I can’t handle it. It just means ‘this is what I do.’ “ When you can predict a pattern, it helps you to feel a little more in control of the process.
2. How instructive do you take it?
Some people don’t take feedback hard at all. It’s like water off a duck’s back. They don’t seem to care one way or another. This may seem an emotional improvement, but if you’re not taking the opportunity to learn from the feedback, then you’re losing an opportunity to grow.
Even people who take feedback hard can wind up failing to learn from what they’ve heard. If you find it hard to accept feedback, start by recognizing that your inner critic might be a player. We feel stung by another’s words primarily when those words suggest that our innermost fears about ourselves are true. Without the inner critic and those hidden fears, the feedback loses its sting.
When I took feedback so hard, it was because I thought it was an evaluation of my value as a person, and so it would kick me into a shame spiral.
I’ve learned not to allow myself to give in to that thinking habit. Constructive feedback tells me at least as much about the feedback giver as it does about my actions. The individual is telling me what they heard or what they thought. They’re not telling me who I am. They know only their experience, and they are sharing that with me.
However, if you can see how your personal values and goals are related to the feedback, you’ll be better able to take it as instructive. Look at how you can use the feedback help you achieve your desired outcomes.
3. How long do you hold on?
Back when I gave my boss that warning, I knew I was going to be in bed for hours after receiving feedback. But because I was aware that this was my style, I became more and more able to grow and work on my reactions to unwanted feedback and turn my responses into positive action.
Develop your awareness and increase your choices
If you would like to make a similar shift into openness to feedback and an ability to learn from it, try taking these actions when you do hear from others about what and how you’ve been doing:
1. Practice self-compassion. Practicing self-compassion can be so impactful for helping you to recover from any negative experience, but it’s especially important for something like receiving unpleasant feedback.
2. Ask for clarification. When people give you feedback, they’re sharing their experience — and oftentimes that experience is SO NOT USEFUL for you. You’ll have to get good at asking questions that will draw out that actionable information. Encourage your feedback giver to offer you specific, actionable feedback, such as “ideas for improvement” instead of asking something too open, like “What did you think?”
3. Practice asking for the specific feedback you want. Research suggests that individuals who proactively seek feedback tend to be more successful in their careers. Start with the people you trust the most, and cultivate your curiosity about specifics. For instance, if you are learning how to give effective presentations, ask someone for feedback about whether your voice carries to the back of the room. By focusing on small zones of feedback, you can develop your openness to it.
I am on the road, myself.
When I was first writing this article, I stopped early in the process and asked for feedback from a colleague. As soon as he finished reading it, he said to me, “It’s too long, for one thing. You always do [blah, blah, blah], and you never [blah, blah, blah…]”(I have taken the liberty of exchanging the words “blah blah blah” for his frustrated ranting!)
I noticed my own defensiveness starting to crop up and recognized, okay, this is part of my pattern. I’m just going to set that aside and try to learn what I can from him.
I said to him, “I hear you saying that it’s too long. How much shorter do you think it needs to be? Does it need to be half as long? Does it need to be two-thirds as long?”
I asked specific questions about exactly what he was looking for, so I could try and find the positive action to take to improve the article.
When you search for a positive action, that will take you in a positive direction. Then you won’t be just reacting.
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If you’re interested in exploring how coaching might support you in achieving your goals, you can start a no-risk conversation with me. I look forward to hearing what you have to say.
